I must kill 'myself' in order to LIVE!

Everywhere I go I see ‘myself’ or rather my own story created from the thoughts that flow through my mind. As I let go of large parts of identification with the story of ‘myself’ and allow my life to be directed by the voice of LOVE inside of me…the more I simply want to extend love and caring to others, instead of wallowing in the thoughts of self-pity. The more I extend Love, the more my self-pity falls away and in its place comes an inner JOY that doesn’t need anything from outside of me! The JOY comes from the extending/giving.

I found myself taking a lovely walk in the beautiful warm winter sunshine yesterday, with no particular goal in mind other than to enjoy the journey! As I reached the end of the pathway and was about to walk on the sand towards the beach, I noticed a woman sitting alone on a bench overlooking the water. My inner voice gently directed me to sit next to her. I resisted! I headed up the beach and found the inner voice would not let up and so I agreed to sit with the woman if she was still there on my way back. She was! I walked up and started up a conversation with her on a light note about ‘toasting’ herself in the sun. I asked her if it would be okay if I sat next to her on the bench. She seemed quite happy for me to sit with her. She told me her name and I asked her some questions about herself. She told me she lived nearby and some more about what had brought her to the beach. Then out of seemingly nowhere she said that sometimes she just wished she wasn’t here. I asked her what had made her not want to be here. She didn’t answer…no problem I started to tell her that we all had those thoughts. I said that sometimes I just wanted to shout: “Stop the planet, I want to get off!” She talked about people who took drugs killing themselves. I talked some more about having suicidal thoughts myself and how I had come to just watch them. I told her than even when I had found a place of Love inside myself and offered that to others, my presence was not always welcomed and I had to deal with the feelings of rejection. Finally I said to her: “You just have to really love and accept yourself even if the whole world rejects you”. With that final statement I stood up and shook her hand and told her it was a delight to meet her. Her face looked completely transformed, she looked really peaceful and happy. How beautiful to not be rejected in that moment by this woman. This was my deep fear…fear of extending LOVE and being rejected. The words I offered to her were for myself! The words that came out of her mouth were my own thoughts. It is true…. I really want to kill ‘myself’….the little ego self, not this body! I really want to kill the ‘fear’ and keep the LOVE. Because if I just keep giving LOVE to others, I am in Truth giving it to myself! No one can really reject LOVE….only the story that they are not worthy of it. As I walked away I felt nothing but JOY inside and I was so glad I had listened to that inner prompt to sit next to ‘myself’ and extend LOVE to ‘myself’! 

~Eileen Dielesen

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